by Visitor » Wed Oct 06, 2004 5:02 am
Visitor,
My wife has cut sex with me me down to once a month. I'm lucky. I know two guys she cut off completely!
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
Boy what a hotel that was - they stole my towel.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too ?
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home", I went over - nobody was home
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor - it was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said "No I hate myself now."
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
She is so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
She is so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
She is so fat that she has her own postal code.
She is so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra
She is so fat that her clothes are made by Omar... the tent maker.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo"
She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.
My wife's got a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
She was old too. When she went to school they didn't have history.
I asked the guy "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said everybody.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car. And she wants me to drive.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. That's right, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
"Doc, every morning I look in the mirror and feel like barfing, what's wrong", he said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said "Okay, you're ugly too."
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.
I have three kids, one of each.
I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.
What a mean kid too. Why he put krazy glue in my preparation H.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit
My wife a great driver. She once hit a deer. It was in a zoo.
Visitor,
My wife has cut sex with me me down to once a month. I'm lucky. I know two guys she cut off completely!
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
Boy what a hotel that was - they stole my towel.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too ?
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home", I went over - nobody was home
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor - it was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said "No I hate myself now."
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
She is so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
She is so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
She is so fat that she has her own postal code.
She is so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra
She is so fat that her clothes are made by Omar... the tent maker.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo"
She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.
My wife's got a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
She was old too. When she went to school they didn't have history.
I asked the guy "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said everybody.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car. And she wants me to drive.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. That's right, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
"Doc, every morning I look in the mirror and feel like barfing, what's wrong", he said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said "Okay, you're ugly too."
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.
I have three kids, one of each.
I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.
What a mean kid too. Why he put krazy glue in my preparation H.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit
My wife a great driver. She once hit a deer. It was in a zoo.
