I was incognito for about 4 dayz. Now, I am back - in full effect.
I have this situation - & need your help to resolve it (once again).
Now, You know I must be tripping to be talking about LOVE right? Yea, me - the QUEEN of the saying "What's Love Got to Do With It?"
But here is the deal.
I figured it out. The reason why I be dogging brothers and charging their asses is because of well, ONE OF THE REASONS is:
There is this MAN that I absolutely adore, but he does not know it. Hell, he hasn't even got a CLUE!!!
I have loved this dude since 1995. TEN YEARS. I was imediately attracted to him when I first saw him. I was thunderstruck - like Cupid shot a real big arrow in my azz! Really, He IS my kind of guy. Magnificent presence, Looks Good, Dresses nice, Smells Good & he is PAID, with a capitol PAID$$$$$ (cha-ching!).
But more importantly than that (there is something more important than money????) - More importantly, I FEEL the GRAND PASSION for him. Oooohh, he makes my heart skip a beat, I love his voice, He is soooooo handsome to me. I admire his strength and intellect. I think he is the EPITOME of what a BLACK MAN should be. He is articulate, accomplished, he is very well educated, and he is successful.
He is not perfect, by no means. He has a temper and can be a bit bossy - as he is THE MAN in his world. He has been through some drama in his life, it was a difficult journey, but he prevailed. Came out of it standing upright and approved.
He has children - three of them, but it is all good. Everyone involved is taken care of and nobody is tripping.
He was married, but he is not anymore. He is out there being a player, right now. I have seen him with different women, but they don't last too long. I get real jealous about this, but he doesn't know.
When we talk, we talk about everything. We laugh and joke, get serious - one time, even cried together over the lost of a mutual friend. Sometimes, he calls for my advice on certain topics and I call for his. We are real cool - friends even. Hang out & have drinks at the Charter House in Malibu once in a while. He took me out on his boat once - I got sick. He did not get repulsed, he took care of me - 'til I felt better again.
One time, I did some business with him and it turned out really, really well. Now, in that area, I am a confidant to him when the need arises.
Over the last year or so, We have drifted a bit - he is real busy, I am real busy ( not as busy as he, but still busy). We don't get to see each other as much anymore. Our lives are on two different planes.
I know he is attracted to me (what man isn't? - I know, that sounds rather conceited, but it is true, please believe).
Even though I can tell he is attracted, he has not made ONE move on me - like he does not want to destroy our friendship. I respect him for that, but my heart hurts knowing he does not give me a second glance.
He is very important in his circle. Reaches distinction from head to toe and commands respect wherever he goes. He is a pretty BIG dude - in size & position, but not too intimidating. Just rightly so - shooot, I'll admit, I always give him mad love and respect when I am in his company.
There has been occassion where he has kissed me - NEVER on the mouth, but on my wrist or on my forehead - my two WEAKNESSES!!!!
The thing is, he is out here in LA now. I have not been talking to him as much all of 2005 due to the fact that he has been extremely busy with new business deals and shit going on in his world. However, I want to holla at him.
I read this THREAD about dreams....I JUST had one, about him last night - this dream made me type this post.
The dream with him in it - all I can remember was that I knew I was in LOVE in this dream - I could feel it & when I woke up I was exhilarated and refreshed. Like I had just had about fifty (50) orgasms back to back & had just went shopping at SAKS 5th Ave. and bought about $50,000 worth of new clothes and shoes!
But also, in the dream I remember - he had bought me this house (it so happens to be the exact house that I have been dreaming about in real life - cost 3.7 mil) and he bought it for me so that he could creep through to see me. In the dream, he has a woman, but in the dream, I am stealing him away from her.
In real life, I would not be trying to steal no MAN from no woman soooooo.........
What does THAT dream supposed to mean?
& What I want advice on is - Since this dream happened, I really want to approach him now - on a personnal note. Should I do this? & if so, How do I initiate this?
My one true desire is that I want to express to him in some kind of respectable way that I want to meet him somewhere----> to try get to know each other a little better(like at the Beverly Hills Hotel, Room 502). Would that be too forward?
I want to make him aware of my attraction to him and tell him I would like to see if we could become more than friends.
I really want to get with this brother - & not just for his WALLET, either. (WHHHHAAATTT!!! has Big T lost her mind!!!???!!!!)
I want to be his homegirl - you know, be down with him! I mean for real, he is the perfect dude for me, faults and all. All the shits that I stress that I need from a guy - he has, without a doubt. & I - well I am the ONLY woman he will need. I promise U.
NOW! I know that the MAIN reason why I be dogging guys and why I get mad at all the other guys, is because simply - they are not him.
Should I expose myself and tell this guy how I really feel? Or do I hold it in - as I have for the past ten years?
WIll I feel really let down if he declines? HELL YES! I want to save face, for sure.
Why do I feel this way all of a sudden today? Honestly - I do NOT want to be a player, no more. (I am not a player, I just crush alot!). & I saw him not too long ago & he was looking GOOOOOOODDDDDD. HE was at the BET comedy awards in Pasadena and I saw him there. I was with a date - so was he. When I saw him - I was like DAMN! Why, oh Why!
& My heart was beating all fast! IS this LOVE or LUST???
It is torture, pure torture. To want a man, he does not know and there is really nothing I can do about it. I try to put it out of my head - but when I get those longings a girl gets - the only person I think about is him.
So, do I let my secret of ten years out OR do I keep it pimpin' out here in the land of LA?
Holla at your girl - I am perplexed
Big T
!
