a comedy bit

[MisterTee]

On the description of this subject "Comics and Comedy" the site manager says we can share out bits and ideas and Rich (and probably other comedians) will share their thoughts on it. Ain't nobody posted any bits or ideas yet... I guess that's the famous comedian paranoia of other comedians taking their shit. Rich & Jenn Pryor, you KNOW nobody was gonna share so why'd you make the offer? Hee Hee.

Anyway, I'm not a comedian. I came to LA to be a TV/screenwriter, so I aint afraid. Plus, I'd be grateful for any constructive ctriticism from the people here. I recently finished this comedy sketch that I'm gonna send to Dave Chappele Show and I'm also gonna send it to this independent producer guy who posted for skit ideas on the net.

The bit was inspired by something Spike Lee about "magical negro" movies like 'Green Mile' that have black folks with magic powers who always help white folks, but don't help black folk. This bit seems kinda angry, but I think someone like Dave Chapelle could tweak it and make it funnier. Is it funny? Please feel free to critque. Thanx for your time. Here it goes:







The Legend of Baggy Pants

written by Tim T.

EXT. GOLF COURSE DAY-1930s
GOLFER NICK, a white man in his 30s is dressed in 1930’s golf attire. His golf club is bent. He is unshaven and walking drunkenly across the golf course. Walking behind him is a black caddy named BAGGY PANTS.


NARRATOR (OS)
Nick Horn was a famous athlete, facing
the end of a stellar career.

CUT TO:
INT. BAR DAY-1930s
NICK’S MANAGER argues with NICK as Nick drinks.


GOLF MANAGER
Nick, if you don’t shape up and get
Off the bottle your career is
finished!


GOLFER NICK
Mind your own business, you money
grubbing bastard!


NARRATOR (OS)
His drinking left his life in ruins.


Nick tries to take one of his golf clubs to his manager’s head. The manager barely gets away. A MOUSE scurries along the baseboards of the floor. Nick slams the club on the floor and kills the mouse.


NARRATOR (OS)
…Until his guardian angel walked
into his life…

CUT TO:
Baggy Pants picks up the dead mouse and cups his hands around it. A GLOW emanates from his hands and he reveals the mouse, alive and well again.

BAGGY PANTS
Don’t worry little mousie…You is
gonna be all right now.




EXT. DAYTIME -1920’s GOLF COURSE
Drunken and unshaven GOLFER NICK is followed around the course by his black caddy, BAGGY PANTS.

CUT TO:
Nick takes a wild swing at the ball with his club and misses.

BAGGY PANTS
I know why your game’s off, boss.


GOLFER NICK
Who asked you, nigger?


BAGGY PANTS
Boss, I just want to help you.
I can see your sickness.


GOLFER NICK
So can I! I’m drunk off my ass
all the time!


BAGGY PANTS
Naw, boss! You just drink to forget
about your real sickness. It’s down
here! Does it burn when you pee?


GOLFER NICK
How’d you know?


BAGGY PANTS
It looks like you got one of them sex
diseases. Just let me touch it boss, I
can make it better.


Baggy Pants reaches for Nick’s groin. Nick tries to fight him off--


GOLFER NICK
Git yo’ filthy monkey hands off of me,
you mangy Negro!


But Nick eventually gives in. We can now only see the look of pain turning to pleasure on Golfer Nick’s face.


GOLFER NICK
Aw! Awww that feels good nigger!


NARRATOR (OS)
From American Film Products comes
A movie about second chances…

CUT TO:

BAGGY PANTS, spitting out nasty white fluid.


BAGGY PANTS
It’s all gone now, boss.
(smacks his tongue)
Tastes like gonorrhea.


GOLFER NICK
I’m cured! I feel great!


Golfer Nick starts dancing around. Baggy Pants starts to dance the jig, too.


NARRATOR (OS)
In the tradition of Beulah, The
Green Mile, The Legend of Bagger
Vance and Family Man and ‘I’ll
Fly Away’ comes the story of hope,
perseverance and one magical
negro’s desire to please his white
boss.


INT. GOLF COURSE- DAY
A GROUP of poor looking 1930s black folks walk up to Baggy Pants carrying the CORPSE of a black man with a broken noose around his neck. Leading these pallbearers is a crying BLACK WOMAN.

BLACK WOMAN
Baggy Pants! You gotta help us! The
Klan hanged my husband! We gots four
kids and one on’s the way! We heard
about your powers and how you used
them to help Mister Nick. Please bring
my husband back.


GOLFER NICK (OS)
BAGGY! BAGGY PANTS!


BAGGY PANTS (to woman)
Sorry! My Massa—-I mean, MISTER—-Nick
is calling! Got to go! Got to go!


EXT. GOLF COURSE- DAYTIME
SPECTATORS, other GOLFERS and BAGGY PANTS surround a shaven, sober GOLFER NICK. He is playing a hell of a good golf game. He swings, hits the golfball and the crowd cheers.

Followed by a MONTAGE of Baggy Pants smiling behind his

NARRATOR
“Finally! A Hollywood film that shows
race relations the way they could be!”
raves Rolling Stone magazine!

‘A nostalgic trip to a simpler and more
cherished time.’
Says White People magazine.

According to Neil and Bob The Legend
Of Baggy Pants is ‘The best “Magical
Negro” film in years’.


EXT. DAYTIME 1920’s NICK’S HOUSE
NICK is outside his door trying to get rid of BAGGY PANTS.


GOLFER NICK
Listen, you helped me win the golf
tournament, cured my gonorrhea and
you even got me a wife. But I have
a family now. I can’t look after you
all the time. Now git! Slavery’s been
over for decades! You can go now!


BAGGY PANTS
But mista Nick-- I’se don’t know
where else I can go, what else I
can do!


GOLFER NICK
Help your people, for God’s sake!


BAGGY PANTS
But mista Nick--


GOLFER NICK
You have super powers! Go use ‘em to
bag some white chicks!


Nick slams the door in Baggy’s face. Baggy turns around them realizes--


BAGGY PANTS
Hmmmm. White chicks.




END

[bingolong]

MisterTee,
That post was [/i]almost[/i] longer than my dick!!Goddamn!!



























.................AND IT'S DEEP TOO!!!

[bingolong]

MisterTee,
All jokes aside that shit there is right up Chappelle's alley man!!!
Good Luck

[Jennifer]

bingolong,
LOLOLOL

[smjmcomic]

Do you want me to be honest or nice on this one?

[Jennifer]

smjmcomic,
Only Honesty allowed here!! :p

[smjmcomic]

Ok I thought wasent that great all ok it wasent that great. now as harsh as that is I'm gona be cynical I'm going to push you guys to be the best comics you can be and I totaly expect the same in return.




I fixed it keep up on the writting

[Gareth]

smjmcomic,

okay. then you suck.


oh, did i misunderstand that?



gareth (just playin foo! damn!)

[bingolong]

smjmcomic,
That's cool if you think the bit sucks but give him that constuctive criticism that he was asking for.At least give him the reasons you think it's no good and aspects he can improve on.I think in the right comedic hands this bit has potential.Tee hit on some major cliches of that genre.What do you think?

[smjmcomic]

If your gona play the race card do something that hasent been done before.



Think outside the box




KEEP WRITTING YOU'LL ONLY GET BETTER