My desperate attempts at the funny

[theseghosts]

I find the more offensive and un-pc it is the funnier. Here goes some shit from my notebook:

The Pope died this week........let the boy fucking begin!

Is that Schiavo woman dead yet?
*nudges her vegetated form*
"hey, mrs. schiavo? Are you dead yet? Blink once for no and just stare blankly and drool on yourself for yes."

Models are stupid
Is it just me, or do women having orgasms in porno films sound increasingly less like someone in the throes of pleasure and more like an ape that feels threatened in the wild? Make her cum and watch the feces start to fucking fly! The men, on the other hand, almost always sound like when dubbing over the voices they handed the fine young "thespian" a snickers before shoving him in front of the mic. "Mmm...mmm......Mmm." Speaking of porn and things you put in your mouth...wouldn't it be great if porn films started having product placements and endorsements? Imagine the commercials for that one, "I'm Jenna Jameson...and when I need something that'll go deep and loooooong I reach for a chicita banana." Silvia Saint hocking butterfingers....oh that'd be great..."nobody better lay a finger on my butterfinger..but other things..." I know what you're thinking..."Ted....what about those fine young male 'thespians' you spoke so dearly of earlier?" Ok ok...Peter North can hock Campbell's Soup..."It's mmm mmm good...mmm mmm mmm mmmmm." Ron Jeremy can hock those gigantic pixies stix you always see in the dollar stores that no one ever buys...watch one of his films and you'll see what I mean.
I've recently discovered that it is my life's lofty ambition to write a book detailing the Catholic church entitled "Holy Fuck!: A Brief History of Child Molestation." It'll be the first book completely about shortcomings...all puns are intended...or your money back guaranteed.

Hitler: Seriously, so much fuss over a misunderstood prop comic.

Bambi is proof that Walt Disney was always on the cutting edge. I'm talking about the world's first and only animated snuff film. Brilliant.

Ronald Reagan died today...but don't worry, chances are he hasn't noticed.

Mentally challenged......whatever happened to just being FUCKING STUPID!?

You know what I'd like to see? Sylvia Plath's image and voice used in a G.E. commercial.

I have proof that the Civil War has not yet ended in certain parts of the south. I was in the gas station earlier buying cigarettes, and I looked over at a box labeled "American Flag Stickers $1.00," but the only flags in the box were the Stars and Bars.

I just spent the last eight months of my life in what I thought was the greatest relationship one could ever hope for: We dressed alike, we always chose the same items off the menu in restraunts, we liked the same music, had similar features, ideas and ideals and we had the best sex EVER. Then one day I realized I'd been masturbating in front of a mirror again.

Enjoy or don't. Advice would be great and much welcome. I have yet to ever actually do a set, I just write things down I find absurd or funny or absurdly funny.

[Noib]

theseghosts,

you've got some funny stuff in there, the porn set might be funny depending on your delivery, and I liked the mentally challenged line... The masterbation line was EXTREMELY predictable to me though... Try to think a bit outside the box when developing comedy, because your Catholic church jokes are also a bit played, no offense, but every attacks the church for easy comedy and IO've heard it all now by this point... Other than that though, you hold alot of potentional...

stay up and keep em comin man!!