Farting.

[JTF]

Once again, it has gotten too fucking quiet in here. It's not a fucking library!!! I want to hear some of your best fart stories. Ripped one during a tender moment? Grandma's funeral? Christmas mass?

I had a g/f who made me a home cooked meal for my birthday once. Honey baked chicken. Homemade mac & cheese. The works.

I woke up late that night and was alone in bed. I figured she was in the john or something, but when I woke up a little later I was still alone.

I found her asleep on the sofa. "The mac & cheese has me a little gassy, and I didn't want to bother you." she explained. I just bent over and let a monster rip. It sounded like a fog horn. It was awful. Smelled like old tires on fire. I then said "Now get your ass back in bed."

She laughed and actually came back to bed with me!

[Mister Gee]

JTF,

I guess that explains the "strong Atlantic breeze" that we always seem to get over here!

I remember back in school, I was in detention (as usual). There was this bastard of a teacher called Mr Wright (fuck it....let him sue me!). Imagine the most old fashioned, prim and proper, totally sadistic fucker on God's earth....then you've got a fair idea of how he was.

Anyway, detention was for an hour after school, and we all had to just sit there and suffer, knowing that we were missing all the afternoon kids programs on TV. Just before the end, Mr Wright stood up to collect his stuff, and let rip an almighty fart deep from the catacombs of his ptrid insides. The noise was thunderous, traffic halted, birds stopped singing, politicians were getting ready to blame the IRA.

Kids being kids, we just couldn't hold back the laughter. we were reeling all over the classroom, pretending to choke, running to the windows for air, someone shouted out "Call Ghostbusters 'cos his arse must be haunted!" and "There goes the Ozone!" and about 10 mins of joyous giggling followed.

Needless to say the bastard put us all back in detention for the following day for "disturbing the peace"... ..that shut us all up!

Peace gee

[hellifiknow]

Back blast area clear! My wife is so uptight and anal retentive she can't fart or even "poot" while awake but let her doze off and she becomes old faithful. Each fall my friend throws a party for employees and friends in a big empty field complete with kegs and dancing girls. Although you usually sleep where you fall I woke up the first frosty morning of the party in a big tent just in time to hear a large volume of gas quietly escaping another friends ass. This guy has got to be in the top ten world wide for rankest farts ever so when I realized what and who it was I decided it was time for breakfast. I had just got settled on a tailgate with a beer when the tent erupted, most were still trying to get out of sleeping bags and of course I had zipped the doors shut when I left. I know it's a "had to be there" situation but if you can imagine a tent coming undone while moving eradically across the prairie at sunrise you've got a rough idea.

[Visitor]

Easter Weekend, in the UK, about 12 years ago - in my younger days. My freinds parents were away for a long weekend so we were using his house as a base for long weekend of drinking Guinness (my favourite brew) and smoking copious amounts of The Old Jamaican. I recall we wrote a poem about "Daffodils and Pufferfish" and eat far too many pulses, beans and onions - all being vegetarian, Nirvana loving hairy types, lots of ripped jeans and Dr Marten boots.

The weekend drew to a close so me and a group of guys who lived my side of town took a gentle stroll across town recalling the weekend, nursing our hangovers and continuing to smoke of course. There was a lot of manly fart competition going on.

Unfortunately my excesses caught up with me and was disqualified from our impromptu, as a long jumper would be if he overstepped the mark. I had forced the issue you see and inevitably, considering my long weekend of overconsumption, I drew mud. A real no no, particularly when still 30 mins walk from home.

[hellifiknow]

I was enjoying Mrs. Pryor ripping a idiot over in the animal rights section and it made me think of this. While working in a hospital we had a patient with an open wound of the leg that had a gangrenous infection. It had been treated with everything we had and nothing was working so a doctor remembered that sometimes leechs were used to clean infected wounds and the pharmacy actually had some so we spent the morning applying leechs to the wound and it worked great, they were maybe a 1/4 inch long and would come in a styrofoam container with some water and a plastic lid that had holes punched in it, you would stick the little buggers in the wound and 15 to 30 minutes later they would be hugely swollen and bloated, for contaminated waste protocol we put the leechs back in the containers sealed it with the lids placed them in a large bio hazard bag and tossed them in the giant trash receptical in the biohazard room. After returning from lunch I went in and removed a leech and went to dispose of him, when I opened the door to the bio room all the trash bags we had thrown away earlier were swollen up like balloons. After consulting with the MD we decided this was a job for a nursing student so we sent one in that was eager to impress with the purpose to puncture the bags and compile a report, this particular student was only able to puncture one bag before evacuating the biohaz room but was very helpful finding other students to participate and I must applaud thier determination to shine since just opening the door was an accomplishment. By afternoon the wound bed was clean but we were never able to get a volunteer from that class of students again.

[axelfoley]

Had one about seven years ago, had been out the night before and drunk copious amounts of lager and whiskey.

Sitting at work on a till with a shop full of customers, tried to squeeze one out, unfortunately squeezed a tad too hard and shit me pants!

I was the only member of staff on the floor at the time and had to serve to more customers b4 i got relief

[bingolong]

axelfoley,
hahahahaha
.....reminds me of a joke my grandfather told me about the "brakes" not working...I don't remember the story significantly but I remember he made this noise that was suppose to be the sound of some "car brakes" coming to a abrupt halt and that the tha punchline was the only time I ever heard my grandfather say a curse word, "...it smelt like shit....". That made the joke even funnier considering my grandfather was a baptist minister!!!!







...I miss that man.......

[JTF]

astonamous,

Ewww.

I was just wondering how this instantly went from "I farted!" to "I shit myself!"

[bingolong]

astonamous,
C'mon I am trying to eat here!!!!!!!

[JTF]

bingolong,

Beans?

White Castle?